Monday, 18 October 2010

  • Forever.

    So It's been forever since I've written. And I know no one reads what I write but I don't care, it helps to write anyways. 

    Obviously, I'm back in town again, living in a house with my room mate Andrew. It's alright, but he drinks with his friends and I usually come home to a house of loud drunk people, getting in my face because I don't really drink. Thank god I have my room to myself, but I hate waking up to a wrecked kitchen, beer on the floor, and Andrew still asleep at 2 in the afternoon. 

    I work two jobs now, and I go to school full time. So I'm always tired, and always on the go. He doesn't have a job, so he doesn't understand why I need time to relax, and why I need a clean house to come home to. 

    I know it sounds crazy.. I'm only 20, but I just wish I could live on my own, or with my boyfriend. Of course Zak is happy in his new house with his room mate, and we still haven't said "those 3 words". But I do love him, and Im a lot happier when I'm relaxing with him at his place. He works more than me, so he gets what it's like to be tired, and to have responsibilities. He knows when to party, and when not too. It's nice. It's hard thinking of him as who I want to end up with. Because I'm still young, and a lot can happen before I get married. He could want to move on, I mean I don't think he's as serious as I am about us. But it has been 8 months together now. I'm just scared of feeling this way and him not feeling quite the same. 

Saturday, 26 June 2010

  • confessions of a psycho

    There's a full moon today.
    it explains a lot about how my day is going.
    I'm sitting in a starbucks, just relaxing away from my house until I have to go to work.
    I swear the people that are walking into this store today are nuts... most of them scream "I only come out during a full moon"
    Anyways. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.
    Zak didn't call after work like he said he would.. and instead of being sane and not caring.. it's just a little phone call, I went nuts. I started bawling in my shower. Thinking the worst
    "He cheated last night and doesn't wanna talk to me"
    "He's in jail"
    "He got too drunk and hurt himself"

    The worst part is, I convinced myself that these thoughts were real, and could not stop crying. I got pissed at him, for "what he did" and could not get myself to take a breath and chill.
    I texted him good morning and two hours later he replied, saying he got off work at 3 because there was a huge wedding party he had to help with.
    Of course he wouldn't call me at 3 am... I'm just psycho.

    It's just hard, so hard. Like one simple call goodnight reassures me that him and I are still together even while we're miles apart. It's like hearing his voice reminds me that he's real, and this guy I'm with isn't some dream my crazy mind has come up with.

    I hate feeling this way, second guessing everything, scared of everything. Luckily I haven't shown him how crazy I am. I didn't get mad at him for not calling. He sees that I'm a patient girl, who trusts him. I do trust him, but I don't trust my psycho babble going on in my brain. He has done nothing to hurt me, so why am I so afraid of losing him?

Thursday, 17 June 2010


  • A few nights ago I dropped my bags in Zak's bedroom of his new house, sat on the bed and felt an overwhelming sense of belonging. Nothing but good memories on that bed. In his old house his room mates were not our fav, so his bed was our hang out spot. On our 3rd date we watched a movie, and he kissed me for the first time.. one simple kiss but I can still picture it. We studied for tests, drank wine and ate too many pizza rolls. Watched countless episodes of South park, and spent late nights talking about our past and what made us who we are. We google earthed each others home towns, and talked about our families. There was a day I spilled a whole bottle of water on myself and had to wear his clothes.. I like the shirt so much he let me keep it. Then there was the day I woke up in my dorm, threw on that shirt, and met him outside to go get an unexpected biopsy... the sleeves covered in tears from how afraid I was. After the biopsy he took me to his house and we spent the day napping in that bed, and he made sure not to leave my side.

    The point is, I was so afraid to visit and have things feel different, like being away for a month would change things. But I got there, and I hugged him and everything fell into place again. Monday night was the best... after his unexpected 4 hour shift at work, he got home and we walked over to the restaurant to get dinner. We talked about life... He asked me how the hpv was and I told him I'm fine, but he insisted that if anything came up while I'm gone, I tell him, so that he could get off work and drive down to be with me... He talked about his sister and how I need to meet her because we are so much alike. We talked about traveling, and future goals. Our conversation was interrupted by a little boy running around the patio, grabbing Zak's full attention. His eyes light up around little kids.

    If anyone out there is reading this... Is it completely crazy for me to have these feelings for him... this feeling that he could be the one. I always had this picture of my dream guy in my head, and for once in my life that picture doesn't come to mind even if I try. I can't picture myself with anyone but Zak.

    I am scared to death. I'm still young, I still have so much time to figure out who I am, and what I want. But here I am wanting him... wanting my future to involve him. He makes me happy, let's me be me, gets to know me for the small details that other people miss. He inspires me to make decisions for me and my goals, as far as music, school and life in general. I am so scared of these feelings I have. So scared that I'm too young to be thinking this way... I'm almost 20, shouldn't I not be thinking about a future with a guy until a few years from now?


Wednesday, 09 June 2010

  • So Sorry, not that it matters..

    Well.. I apologize it's been a while since I've written, not that it matters cuz I'm not really sure people read this. Life gets kinda busy.. and since I've been home I've been focused on keeping life as busy as I can to make the summer go faster. Leaving for home was so hard, probably the hardest day was the actual moving day... Zak and I went to lunch with my family and it was so great. Nothing like that awkward high school "meet the parents" deal.. My parents really liked him, and everything felt so natural. I had to say goodbye from there, and he gave me a huge hug and it was so hard to hold the tears in. I got in the car and started sobbing and he texted me and said "don't be sad".

    The first few weeks were really hard, we barely talked.. like hardly ever. and when we did we had nothing to say. It was so hard to think positive about the summer working out when things already seemed to be going downhill. I started giving him a lot of space cuz I didn't wanna seem clingy. Turns out i was way too worried about that because I was doing the opposite. I finally decided to tell him I missed him without being afraid of his response.. and since then we've talked more. He usually calls me after work before he goes to bed, and he's been opening up a lot more to me when he's had a bad day. In the past he'd hold it all in and say "let's not talk about it". I finally feel like he feels completely comfortable talking to me when he's not so happy. He likes to hide the negative side from people.

    Anyways... home has been difficult. I'm hanging out with old friends, but I really don't enjoy it... it's just something to do. I don't miss high school, I don't reminisce the "good years", I'm just frustrated that I'm stuck at "home" away from my new.. happier life. But I got a summer job at noodles and company, so that's a nice way to feel like I'm doing something productive away from the house.

    I'm leaving to visit Zak this Saturday for 4 days and I'm sooooo excited. Kinda nervous to see how it is after being away for a month, but I'm a lot more positive about it than I was a few weeks ago. I just can't wait to see him, and kiss him, and watch him sing at this show... Ahhh I just miss him so much, he brings out this happy side of me that no one else has.

Saturday, 08 May 2010

  • update.

    Been forever. Sorry.

    HPV: I have it, but no cancer. I still have to get a copscopy every 6 months to make sure it doesn't grow into cancer.

    Zac: We're doing well, but it's getting hard realizing that I leave here in a week for the summer. I'm going to miss him, and I'm still very worried about how it will effect our relationship.

    Friends: well.. sad as it is, I can say that I really don't have any real friends here right now. I'm sorta slowly drifting away from a few because I just can't take people who are immature. Like these girls are fun but man can they be dramatic. and bitchy. and they constantly judge other people, which I can't stand. I mean sure, we all can't help but judge... but the way they do is just so annoying.

    Things like "haha what a fag" and "that girl's fucking weird" are just not things you say out loud. I'll walk into my room and they'll be on Facebook creepin on people's profiles from our school and talking shit about them. They don't even know them.

    Is it wrong that I have a major problem with this? I just wish I could find some girl friends who were more down to earth and accepting of people. I mean I get shit from my room mate for saying hello to this one guy that we see a lot. Sure he's a bit odd, and can be annoying, but he's always been friendly to me, so why not be friendly back? Doesn't mean I'm going to become his best friend.

    Honestly, why is it so hard for people to just be friendly.. unless people give you a reason to dislike them, does it really hurt to smile, or say hello. My god.